Wednesday, 26 February 2014

When I rule the internet

Now, naturally that's not going to happen, but in the event that I do become a web-spanning dictator here are some of the things that would be banned from social media under my rule. (Please note that this is a humorous post and not aimed at anybody, okay? And god knows I've probably done some of the below myself. I'm nothing if not a massive hypocrite.)

* Selfies. Anybody who posts a selfie will get one in return... of my balls.

* On nom nom or variations thereof.

* Posts about what you have just cooked or eaten.

* You know that thing when people post really annoying status updates that end with that? That.

* Pictures of the food you are just about to eat.

* Posts boasting about your word count or how many times you've been to the gym.

* Quizzes that identify which super hero, fictional character, city, small town in Wales, type of useless waste of space you are.

* Videos that are tagged with such lines as: You'll be amazed with by what you see, but the last 30 seconds will blow your mind/change your life/ make you want to insert sharp objects into your eyeballs and weep for humanity.

* People who refer to Super Secret Projects. Unless you work for CERN, NASA or at a weapons research facility you do not have a Super Secret Project.

* People who post nothing but links to their 'best-selling' Amazon Kindle novel that, wouldn't you know it, has 30 five star reviews (which have all been posted in the last week).

* People who post spoilers. They are like the noisy cretins in cinemas who shout loudly to their friend, "You'll never believe what happens next!" I once went to see The Devil's Backbone, in which one movie-goer conveniently let her friend (and the entire audience) know when the scary bits were coming up. Gee, thanks.

* People who enjoy more success, are better at writing/editing/exercising/being more eloquent than me. Naturally they are enemies of the state of Jonania.

Things that will be permitted:

* Articles in praise of our glorious leader, Jon and how nice Jonania is.

* Funny cat videos.

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